Because the world needs more honesty.

Today I found strength I wasn't sure I had and happiness in a potentially disappointing situation.

Perhaps this is a trivial situation, but it was an important moment for me.

I had this crush, on a friend. Who I met through a dating website, but with whom things were pretty platonic. I won't go into details, but I admired him for many reasons, and the more time we spent together the more I was endeared to him, and it didn't help that he is a very physical person, who liked to tease me.

When it comes to guys, it usually takes the perspective of another guy friend of mine to break me from losing myself in admiration for someone I like. I hold a lot of insecurity when I *really* start to like someone, and my days consist of constant reminders of that person. They hold an exorbitant amount of power over me, whether they realize it or not. I've become a bit more conscious and careful about this than I used to be, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I'm also notorious for being an overthinker, and I draw my friends into that thought process. Thankfully the best of them are able to pull me back to reality and be a mirror for me to see what I'm doing to myself.

So, returning to the recent crush situation, after asking the world for advice I was convinced that I had to tell my crush that I liked him. And if I were to scare him off as a friend temporarily, so be it. But our friendship is grounded enough despite only being a couple months old, that I wasn't worried that the quality of our friendship would suffer beyond temporary awkwardness. I planned to say something at the next opportunity that I could do so in person. But such an opportunity wasn't in the cards. In the course of a conversation with him over the internet, he mentioned to me that he was worried about something, but that he couldn't tell me what it was. Long story short, he was crushing on another girl, who I had met and found to be completely adorable and someone I admired right away as well. He asked me for advice, "you seem to be pretty insightful." Girl likes boy, girl wants to tell boy, boy tells girl about his feelings for another girl. For a second, before it was clear who the girl in question was, my mind fantasized that he was being vague and embarrassed because the girl he was crushing on was me. I blame rom-com plotlines.

But once I realized he was very clearly crushing on someone else, a wave of relief and strange satisfaction came over me. And I decided to tell him anyway. I told him that unfortunately he was asking advice of a person who felt the same way he felt about this girl, about him. But I wanted to give him advice anyway, and I told him he had to tell the girl how he felt, and passed on other advice I had been given when I was in agony over him. And I was/am genuinely happy that he felt this strongly for someone, and I hoped that she felt the same for him. Maybe part of this was me going into self-preservation mode, but it feels genuine. He was surprised and a little embarrassed at my revelation, but I assured him that there were other fish in the sea, and I valued his friendship.

What did I learn from this?
Well, 1. I learned the grade school lesson I can learn time and time again and not internalize, that it's better to be honest when you're interested in someone, because they may like you back --- Or maybe not ;). But staying in your head does no one any favors. I think Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev said it well:

"If your fear is about the non-existent, your fear is a hundred percent imaginary. If you’re suffering the non-existential, we call that insanity. So people may be in just socially accepted levels of insanity. But if you’re afraid, or if you’re suffering anything which does not exist, it amounts to insanity – doesn’t it?"

-I heard a snippet of this quote at the end of a song I was listening to by Midnight Smack, called Wisdom, and thought it was nicely relevant.

Further, personally, the longer I like someone and live in limbo not knowing their feelings, the more I torture myself and the more power I surrender to that person.

2. I learned that my capacity to be rejected and still want the best for the person rejecting me is intact, and that I can even be rejected and on the same night go on a run and have a rooftop dinner with said person and be happy, and hopeful.

[written for my aunt Mari and cousin Bryan]